1. Grasp the cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop the pill in her mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with the left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into her mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in – quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you are doing. That’s just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging from the drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill & …Oooops!
9. This isn’t working is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread the towel on the floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat’s front & back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast, time & tabbies wait for no man – or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat’s mouth & poke gently. Voila! It’s done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cats). Apply bandages to wounds YOURS.
18. Take two aspirins & lie down.

CAT CHAT

FOR THE LOVE OF OUR CATS

We all know lots of stories about cats.  Lets look at this one and see how much they can influence our lives.  Friends of ours did not own a pet though their neighbor had a large black Tom cat called Munga.  The friends lived close to a large block of native bush and pine forest.  One day 11 years ago Munga came out of the bush followed by two small scrawny kittens hardly more than 4 weeks old.  These kittens were taken in by our friends and feed and watered and of course became part of their household.  They were two young ladies of dubious heritage. After a period of settling in and vet visits they became the focal point of the home, following their owners to work on their land and generally doing what cats want to do.  Occasionally they paid for their keep by bringing in the odd possum and eel to deposit on the kitchen floor.

Approximately five years ago the owners decided that their double bed was not big enough for them and their two cats,  so it was off to the nearest town to purchase a new king size bed. We all know how cats sprawl and a 4 kg cat can suddenly double its size when asleep in a comfortable position.  The old bed was removed and the cat owners then noticed that the room looked a bit tatty.  After all their house was 25 years old and no renovations had been made since new.   Out with the paint and new carpet and curtains and in with the new bed and of course the new bed linen.  Cost approximately $4000.  The house being two story had this new redecorated bedroom one end which looked bright and breezy and the remainder of the top floor then looked a little dull.  So out with the renovation materials again and in with the new bathroom and complete top floor renovations.  The cost of the cats rise.  To cut this story short, the house has now been completely renovated bottom to top and the cats are now 11 years old and still going strong.  The owners have now started on the gardens and decks outside.  The monetary costs have been great but it all started with the love for the two scrawny “spare parts “ cats which turned up 11 years ago.

1          Thou shall not feed us aything other than Super Premium Food.

2          Thou shall not tell me what to do-ever.

3          Thou shall not sit in my favourite chair without my permission.

4          Thou shall not buy furniture I cannot ruin.

5          Thou shall not feed the birds until I have positioned myself under a bush.

6          Thou shall not take me to the vet in a cardboard box.

7          Thou shall not buy a dog with teeth and legs.

8          Thou shall not rev up the car while I am underneath it.

9          Thou shall not put a lid on the goldfish bowl.

10         Thou shall obey all the above or I will piddle in places you will not find.